I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
