Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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