Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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