I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
