pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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