It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
