it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
