i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
