Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
