you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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