She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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