nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
