So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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