Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
