i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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