he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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