we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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