My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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