At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
PANTIES FOUND
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