my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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