according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
