I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
