If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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