Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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