You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
