That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
