She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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