You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
