And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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