Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
