There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize
