I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
this will be a night to untag.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
