Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
