my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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