He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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