life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
