whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
