Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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