Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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