The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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