I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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