if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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