You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I bet he comes in French.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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