I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
