If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
