And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
