Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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