Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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