please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
