Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
