omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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