God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
