you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
