i'm signing you up for texting rehab
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
