I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
