you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
