I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
