I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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