You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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