I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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