This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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